Long Distance: My Top Ten Coping Mechanisms

Hey everyone! This week's post is coming a few days late, and that's because rehearsals for this fall's YATS (Young Actors Theater Strasbourg) musical (Annie) have just started and the first four days were "intensive rehearsals" so I haven't had much time to sit down and write, but I'm still here!

This week I wanted to talk about something that I haven't really ever discussed on my blog before, but it's a huge aspect of my life living overseas. This is how I manage my long distance relationships with my friends in California, specifically my best friend (who's name I won't be mentioning for privacy reasons).

One of the later lessons I (unfortunately) had to learn from moving here was that I wasn't as close with all of my friends as I thought we were, or we just weren't as good friends as I'd assumed. There are many people I expected to regularly keep in touch with that just kind of faded away. I get it-there's no point in putting in effort to keep in touch with someone if you're never going to see them (still stings a little, though).

Lucky for me, my best friend and I were super close at the time of my move, and we were determined to keep in touch. It was scary, I'm not going to lie, not knowing if we would be able to keep that promise. The first year neither of us did very well with keeping in touch, I would say mostly because we were both having a super difficult time adjusting and she didn't have a phone yet (and isn't super good about checking her email, haha).

The second year and now, the third year, I would say we are closer than ever. She's got a phone now and it makes it really easy for us to continue to keep in touch. I'm super lucky to have a friend willing to put in so much effort to keep in touch.

That being said, for anyone else perhaps struggling with long distance friendships and/or relationships and are worried or have doubts about being able to keep in touch, I'm here to help! (Spoiler alert: it's not that difficult, you just have to be willing to put in the commitment) So, without further ado, here are my top ten tips/coping mechanisms for maintaining a friendship/relationship that is long distance.

1. VIDEOS

Videos have been one of the main reasons my best friend and I have been able to keep each other up to date and in touch so well. Let me explain-time differences can be super rough when you're trying to keep in touch with someone that's long-distance. It's incredibly difficult to find a day that works for both of you where you can spend time talking in that window of time where you're both awake. California to Strasbourg is a nine hour difference, which means the only time I can talk via FaceTime with someone there is my late afternoon and their late morning. These can be busy times, especially during school, which means it can be months before you finally find a time to sit down and talk. Instead, my best friend and I started filming about five minute videos whenever it's convenient for us and sending them to each other. The other person would then film a response video and give updates of their own. This works really well for us. I'm able to sit down and video myself while I'm getting ready for school in the morning and she can send a response after school when she's at home. I know what you're thinking-and no, it's not the same at all. There's times when you want to reply to a video in real time and ask more questions and you can't, but for the most part, the video method works for a while until you are able to connect live. So if you're missing someone that's far away and you are unable to FaceTime, sit down and film yourself talking about whatever is happening in your life that you would tell them, as if they were on the other end of the phone, listening. It's kind of therapeutic.

2. JOURNALING

Journaling is really good for when you're feeling really sad or going through a phase of depression and all you want is to talk to someone but you can't because they live far away. Grab a blank journal, pick up a pen, and write out everything you're feeling as if it was a letter to them. You don't have to necessarily show them, unless you want to, but it can be really calming to, what I call, "throwing up", "exploding" or "releasing" your emotions by writing. It's like a therapy session-once you talk (or in this case, write) about everything that's overwhelming you, you will be left feeling lighter, emptier and hopefully a little less sad. At the very least, you've done something productive. It's even better if this journal is handwritten, because the act of simply moving your hand and physically writing with a pen or pencil can be good for you. Your journaling doesn't have to be consistent-I used to hate journaling because I always felt super behind if I didn't write an entry at least every week. But journaling can be whatever you want it to be-not necessarily a log of every day of your life. You can save it for only when you're feeling the absolute worst or simply whenever you feel like it, whether that may be weeks, months, or even years apart.

3. PACKAGES

Packages are something hands-on that can take up some time and be a fun way to stay close to someone long-distance. When I say package, I don't necessarily mean a huge cardboard box filled with presents-that can be expensive and not personal. I mean a hodge-podge of random memorabilia you put together of things or lists or letters that are in some way connected to this person. For example, I recently sent my best friend a little envelope with a handwritten letter (they never go out of style!), a bracelet (like the kind you used to make at summer camp out of string), a few little gifts from different places I've traveled to (I always get her a little something), a homemade playlist, among a few other bits and bobs. The point is, it can be fun to think up ideas of little items that might be a cool surprise to receive in the mail and it will give you something to do if you're feeling depressed and unmotivated.

4. PHOTOS

Ah, yes, photos. Pictures are so important and going through them can sometimes be therapeutic and remind you of happier times. I will say to be careful with them, though. Sometimes it might make you a little bit sadder but I would encourage you to remember the emotions captured in the pictures (mainly ones of good times) and be glad you were there instead of being sad that you're aren't anymore. Sometimes it's nice to put together a little slideshow of memories together or start making a scrapbook. You'll have something to do and maybe even a little present of the good times. Then, when you do see each other again next, you can share those memories together.

5. PLANNING

Planning, the very thing I absolutely live for. Life doesn't always pan out exactly how we thought it would go, or how we planned it to be. Change can be super difficult and painful, especially if it involves important people in your life. Something that helps me focus and have sort of a "reason to keep trying" is planning. This can range from designing your guys's dream apartment together to simply planning your next trip. You don't necessarily have to put any specific work in, either. You can simply sit and daydream, perhaps as you're falling asleep. If you want, you can write it down or you could attempt to make these ideas a reality. Vacations are a good way to visit with someone and explore a new place together. Just make sure that once you start planning, you've accepted it as an idea and nothing more. You can't put too much pressure on it happening or you're going to end up more disappointed than before. Otherwise, plan away!

6. SPECIAL ACTIVITY

Do something that you used to do together or do something together long-distance. Let me explain: for example, if baking is your thing, bake something that you would always make together, something that is your thing. For example, one of my relatives recently passed away and my cousin and I made one of their special recipes as a way to remember the good times we had baking with them and to honor them in a way. Or, if you want to do something more interactive, have a long-distance competition. You can do a bake-off (sticking to the theme of baking here) and send photos to each other of your final creations. If your thing is photography you can try to take good photos over FaceTime! Whatever your thing may be, there's always a way to do it together, even if you can't be in the same place.

7. REDECORATING

So, this one doesn't really have much to do exactly with the person you may be missing, but I find for me personally it's a useful coping mechanism. This could be because you don't want anything to feel too permanent without the other person or simply because you feel the need for safe change within a controlled space. Either way, I love changing up where my bed and furniture goes and making my bedroom feel like a whole new space. Another thing I do on my spare time is think up little DIY crafts to do around my room, for example I have a quote wall that I made myself, I decorated the pots of my little cacti, I re-organize my bookshelf (that one's more for people with OCD), etc. If you don't have any ideas, you can look on YouTube or Pinterest for inspiration. And, hey, even if you don't feel any better, at least your room looks cooler!

8. TALKING

I know, I know, Captain Obvious, right? I still find it so cleansing and helpful to talk about the person you miss to other people. When I first moved here, I wouldn't shut up about "my best friend, who lives in California" (pretty sure all my friends got sick of me mentioning the state altogether). Whether it's in therapy, to other friends or to family, talk about your memories together and (if you feel like it) why and what you miss about that person. Try and stick to the positive stuff, but if you really need a good cry session, go ahead. You'll feel better (hopefully).

9. MUSIC & WRITING

I find music is like, the best thing that's ever been invented and it can really speak volumes when you maybe are struggling to. There's a lot of specific songs you'll find that might fit your situation (See You Again by Wiz Khalifa ft. Charlie Puth, anybody?) and listening to them is soothing and even if they make you sad, they can help you connect more with yourself. I love listening to music specifically while I write, in fact, most times I'll base entire chapters or storylines off of one song that inspires a story. I think connecting with a song and then writing it out in your own words is a great way to cope with missing somebody. Turn on your LEDs, light some candles, shuffle your playlist and get to work!

10. HONESTY

My last and final tip is also probably the most important one. It goes for all situations, and despite being kind of obvious, most people forget about it. If you are missing someone and you want to stay in touch, tell them! Explain to them exactly what you're feeling, what you miss about them, etc. Just talk to them. I really think that's the reason my best friend and I are still so close today. Anytime we were sad, we were crying, we were angry, etc, we would tell the other one. If you miss someone and you don't say anything, they're never going to know and you'll only drift apart further. Most people might surprise you, and you'll find that they do want to stay in touch, perhaps they just didn't know how or they needed a little nudge. And if someone doesn't want to stay in touch, try not to get too angry about it. Try to understand how they're feeling: maybe they feel abandoned or hurt, or maybe it's too much pain for them to handle a long-distance friendship like that. You can be sad, but try to remember that your real friends will always make an effort for you, and those are the people you want to stay in touch with so they will be in your life forever.

Anyway, guys, I hope these little tips will help you stay in touch with a long-distance friend or relative, etc. If not, I would still encourage you to try some of these tips just for fun and maybe you'll find a new hobby or something to do when you're bored. Thank you for your patience this week and see you next week! Wish me luck for the new school year!

Loreleixx